Bottomless

Thursday, 11th September 1986 

Dear Diary, 

Anna had a pretty dress on today. She has shiny hair. It glows in the sun. She is always smiling. Her smile is beautiful. How come she looks happy all the time? I want to be happy like she is. Maybe it’s just her and her mamma and they cook food and talk and watch tv at night. I like watching tv too; I like cartoons a lot. I watch Road Runner; he is really funny. The coyote is mean, but he is slow, so he never catches him. Sometimes I wish I was as fast as the road runner because he always runs away from trouble. I bet he’s happy too. I also like He-Man cause he is strong and nobody can beat him. He has got the power of castle Grayskull and he beats evil monsters. Mamma says one day I can be as strong as him.  

I like going to school. I get to talk to Anna and Pedro. He is my best friend. We play every day. I like jumping rope but my favorite is hide and seek, because I always win. They can never find me. I know all the hiding places in school. There’s the janitor’s closet, where the brooms and all the things mister bloom uses for his job, there are the lockers, I can still fit but it’s really dark and hard to get out once I’m in there so I don’t like it so much anymore. One time I got stuck in one for a long time and mister bloom let me out, it was really scary. I like mister bloom. He sometimes gives me candy and chocolate as well, he is very nice. 

I think he likes Miss Faith, but she does not notice because she is always busy. She is my English teacher, and she is great. Miss Faith took us to a museum once, and we saw some beautiful paintings made by people who are dead now. If I could draw pictures like that, I would draw Anna running in her pretty dress and Pedro running after her. I like my friends, sometimes I wish I could go live with them, but mamma said I can’t because. 

Mamma was wearing those big sunglasses today; she cried a lot. She always cries when she has them on, and her face looks funny. 

I wish we could go away somewhere far from here, just the two of us. Maybe mamma and I would be happy. We could get a dog and we could go to the park, and we play catch. I could watch tv whenever I want to. We could have pizza and hamburgers and fries, oh and ice cream too!! I love ice cream. Maybe Anna can come with us and Pedro too? 

Saturday,13th September 1986 

Dear Diary, 

Mamma sent me to my room today when I got home. She had a visitor. There was a lady with big glasses sitting in the living room talking to mamma and she was not happy. I stayed on top of the stairs and heard them arguing. They stopped talking and I ran into my room. They came in and mamma told me to get my things. She was crying. Mamma smelled like smoke. The lady stood there looking at us, she smelled like dead flowers. I started opening the dresser drawers looking for my clothes, but I forgot where everything was. I couldn’t find my pants, my shirts or my socks so I started crying too. I wanted to bring my toys with me. Rudy the small horse, Leo the black bear, and the one Anna gave me, Charlie the sock monkey. I found Rudy and Leo, but I couldn’t find Charlie. Mamma kept crying and started smoking in my room which she never does. It smelled so bad in my room, so I started crying again and I held on to the foot of the bed and told them I wasn’t leaving. Mamma packed my clothes and said she was leaving for a while, and that I was going to stay with grandma and grandpa. She said it was just for a little while because she had to go away for work. Mamma never talks about work, so I don’t know why she is leaving. 

Friday, 13th September 1996 

Have you ever heard of a black hole? Light can’t escape it, so you cannot really see it. What you can see is its effects on its environment. The day you left, one started growing in my chest. It absorbed all the particles of light around me, leaving behind only a deep feeling of emptiness. No matter what I did. Your parents did their best to help me, but I couldn’t shake it. I tried everything to fill that vacuum or to at least numb the pain. At school, I started fights. I quickly learned how people can be cruel. The key is don’t be a victim and stand up for yourself. Hung out with the bad crowd and pushed the envelope to where they could not deal with me. Pierced my nose, later my ears, next got a tattoo of a black hole in my chest right on top of my heart. I continued searching… That’s when I delved into drugs. Starting with weed, pharmaceuticals were next and subsequently graduated by smoking some dope. It felt soooo good! Warming and soothing, a perfect blanket on a cold day…it terrified me. Grandpa somehow found out. He sat me down and he told me about your struggle with addiction. I steered away from it. One fuckup per family is enough, and they did not deserve that. I discovered an alternative outlet. I started cutting myself, modest little paper cuts originally but ultimately made it down to a science. Three, occasionally four, two and a half inch cuts on the left wrist. I even got a special razor blade for it, named it junior. I found relief and comfort in it. 

One day at a time, I worked on surviving. I read every day, had a great supply of books… thanks Grandpa! I discovered reprieve in the written word. Poe, Hemingway, Woolf, Dickens, Nabokov, Joyce, Twain, Chekhov, Melville. They occupied my mind and filled my heart with great tales.  

They saved my life, and so did Grandpa. He taught me the meaning of true love. 

I’m going to college to become a writer. I won a full scholarship and am looking forward to what’s next.  

I want to write to help others. No one should grow up feeling the way I did.